Psuedo-famous Smile

5 beers into a bad day tomorrow and binge listening to Pope by Prince. “Seek and destroy, fuck you up.”  It’s hard to want to ever be out of this space where I feel so much energy and I hate most of you for thinking I need to get out of it just because it is alcohol fueled delusion.  That last part will pass tomorrow. 

Today I went on adventure day with my family.  Packed up my hubby and dogster in his truck and headed out to walk – or at least recon- some trails. Cause trails save. Beautiful, sunny day, a bit cool which is perfect for dogsters. Isn’t it Pinterestesque? I could so work it that way especially if I’d add a picture with my pseudo-famous smile in it. For realz. Bitches, I love you and I don’t have to know if I know you. So here’s some truth.

I was miserable today. Mostly, because I am impatient, unhappy, grumpy, demanding … I’ve turned into some scared little shit who isn’t even up to the bullshit big efforts that used to define my efforts.  I feel just about pathetic as a piece of shit in a top hat. BTW, I hate shit jokes.  Yeah, okay, and  …

I surrendered today. I’ll more than likely wake up at war again, based on tonight’s beer intake, but today  I gave up. I accepted that I am NOT HAPPY.  I am not content. I believe I am a searcher. I can give you the current short list of things I want to do, but I no longer think they will make me anything. Definitely not happy.

Hey. Happy Hippy? Think that realization helps? Not a fucking bit. I am miserable. I grapple with depression and suicidal thoughts. In the twilight of my menstrual cycle, likely dead within 10 years, my self-destruction thoughts seem to strongly correlate with my cycle and who the fuck cares. Dead is dead.

I’m a sad seeker. Someone who wants to run. My favorite quote is “just because i don’t care doesn’t mean i don’t understand” and that is a quote by Homer Simpson.  I see patterns. I get a lot. I’m fucking smart. But whatthefuckeverdude.  This is me. Some kind of conundrum, an up and down. I am over trying to be the bundle, cause I so am not. Not gonna be that elderly cute lady you all remember after she’s gone. I am not good. I am a wreck. If we happen upon each other, I will be good to you. I am loyal, smart, dogged, tough, kind, funny .. but I don’t know how to reach out. I am existentially twist-tied. Bullshit. Fucked. A bit drunk. Carry on.  And go listen to Pope by Prince. And be vegan. Even today I managed not to kill anything on purpose and that’s pretty goddamn good.

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