Hi Ho Hi Ho, it’s no damn where I go.
Sitting in my chair, listlessly scrolling through Facebook or emails, occasionally stopping to stare out the window. My purse is here beside me, shopping list is inside, grocery bags are by the front door but I can’t get going. I can’t make myself go out that door. I am so tired, so drained. Today I look okay, not terribly itchy, not even terribly achy but just. so. tired.
Never thought the apparent highlight of my day would be going to the grocery store and I certainly never dreamed I’d be nearly incapable of doing it. I am having an emotionally tough time right now. I’m a dreamer and my dreams are of doing and going. Going and doing. But I feel like I’m behind bars, soft, invisible bars. I feel crazy because no one can see the bars. I’m gong crazy because I can’t go. And the dreams are beginning to feel very, very far away.
My husband had a rain day off today and went surfing. I couldn’t go with him. I know he understands but I doubt he understands. On some level he must be wishing his wife was normal. (Physically speaking, of course. He had knowledge of other levels of unnormalness before he committed. ) His wife could not agree more. This change is trying my soul, my normal tools are taken from me, I am relearning how to combat an enemy. I am doing it but it is hard. I feel ineffectual, embarrassed, discouraged. I have to sit with these feelings and I really just want to throw a temper tantrum. No one to catch it though.
I find myself thinking a lot of “ifs.” If I go into remission, then this, that, and the other. That sort of thinking. I know this is dangerous, that my life may get even smaller – although right now that seems impossible. I am going to have to embrace my messy, utterly imperfect, often un-triumphant life, and do what I need to do. I need to go see my friends and let them deal with me as a friend who is sick, maybe not tons of fun, maybe with a lot of pain in the ass restrictions. Stop waiting until I can be the right kind of friend. Share my story, now as it is, even if the ending so far is “I don’t know” and might even end up being “I lost.” I somehow feel responsible for nutrition, veganism, eco-consciousness, and adventure. Somehow it’s all on me and if I don’t win, if I don’t get healed by my lifestyle choices, then all those things I believe in are wrong. No shoulders were ever meant to carry that. I’ve got to let that go.
So. Hi Ho Hi Ho. It’s back to work I go.