When I want to talk but I don’t want to talk to my husband, because he’s too close, and I don’t want to post it out of Facebook, because that’s too distant, I come here. Mostly here it’s talking out-loud to myself but I also think that it ends up being a bar-side wine-chat with just the right friend, that at any given time the words are there for the sweet heart who needs them. It has happened to me so very often that I feel able to hold out this hope.
There’s a lot going on right now. My husband is helping me learn the true meaning of love (if we were really drinking wine together, this would be one of those segues), I’ve had a string of days of feeling better physically, I finally did our taxes and we’re more confused than ever over what to do about health insurance. But what has me all brain-antsy today is a feeling that I’m ready to try again. Most of my life I never settled, I always went for what my heart wanted. I got it a few times too, but what matters most is that the trying was the essence of me. But somehow over the course of the last few years, I lost that spark, I lost all confidence in my desires. Instead of trying to find and fulfill a life’s purpose, I tried to become as small as possible, to take up almost no space. Turns out, though, all the shrinking and the acquiescing hasn’t gotten me or anyone else any closer to fulfilling desire.
It’s time. I’m getting ready to go for it because I finally figured out that what I need is ME! What my loved ones need is ME! So. I have been working on my resume and cover letter, dreaded activities indeed, in order to apply for an internship with a non-profit in the animal welfare arena. I’m going back to college for another (or two 🙂 ) degree, and I’ve opened the door for the future. I will go and do what I need to fulfill this dream and my promise. I feel hope for the future and my spark, my wonderful fire, in my heart again.
A question asked before asked again.
Am I the phoenix?
Yes, it is proved to be so,
Finding life repeatedly in the ashes.
And though my flight takes me
Among the living world
How could I not always love you,